


Back To You

by sleepystar123



Category: The Ultimate Sidemen
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Age Changes, Alternate Universe - Career, Angst, Cute, Drabble, Drabble Collection, Heartache, Heartbreak, Jealousy, M/M, Memories, Minishaw, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Swearing, minizerk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-10-20 09:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10659603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepystar123/pseuds/sleepystar123
Summary: a collection of minizerk drabbles (set in an au) based off of various lyrics from the song "this town" by niall horan :)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [unholyminter (oneswhonever)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/oneswhonever/gifts).



> this is for my best friend oneswhonever! if you don't know who she is, i really recommend checking her out! she's an absolutely gifted writer. and she has a variety of works in multiple fandoms, with different types of subjects and pairings. seriously, visit her page sometime :)
> 
> also, this is an au, and i don't know where exactly it takes place? just some small town in the uk
> 
> *this work will contain swearing!!*

_i._

_"waking up to kiss you and nobody's there"_

**.**

**.**

**.**

a soft groan escapes joshua bradley's lips as the sunlight pouring in from the uncovered window brightens the room, pulling him from his sleep. keeping his eyes shut, josh moves his hand around the other side of the bed, looking for his boyfriend, simon minter. it's strange he didn't shut the curtain before bed. simon always shuts the curtain. when josh's search proves futile, only feeling an empty mattress, he slowly peels his eyes open. and when josh sees the same thing he felt, he sits up, confused and concerned. where the hell...

_oh._

_right._

josh falls back down to the bed, an ache worse than anything spreading across his chest. he pushes his face into his pillow and shuts his eyes, remembering. he's in a different time, now. a time where simon isn't his boyfriend. he grips the pillow with his fist, feeling his throat tighten.  _god damn it._ memories of that day everything ended, nearly six months ago now, flood his mind.

-

_"i promise i'll call every day. we can still talk and facetime and text like usual. you know that doesn't have to change."_

_simon had been abnormally quiet the past few days. josh figured it was his way of dealing with the temporary distance. at least, that's what he had hoped it was. simon never really kept much from josh. not for long, at least. he always came around and talked to the lad about it. being that, the past few days, simon changed the subject every time josh brought up simon's mood, he figured he was due to hear about it soon enough._

_little did he know, 'soon enough' would come quicker than he thought._

_"flight 85 to dublin, ireland, will be boarding in five minutes." a voice over an intercom speaks, and josh looks up at ceiling._

_"josh." he looks back at simon, his brows furrowing when he sees the gloss forming over simon's blue eyes._

_"love?" josh grabs simon's arms._

_"josh, i..." simon trails off, looking away from him._

_"i know, love, i know. this is going to be hard. but we'll get through it." every single part of josh thought they would. he truly believed they could handle some distance._

_"i... i don't think we will, josh." simon's voice shook, breaking as he said the lad's name. josh's heart broke with it. he pulled simon into a hug, and simon hugged back. hard, tight. he hugged josh like it was the very last hug they'd ever share._

_"we will, si, we will. i love you."_

_"josh..." simon drew in a ragged breath, then pushed him away. "josh, we can't do this anymore."_

_josh staggered a bit from the push, not expecting it. and the statement that followed didn't exactly help his confusion. it only worsened it._

_"what the hell do you mean? what? what can't we do anymore?"_

_"flight 85 to dublin, ireland, is now boarding." the voice spoke again, causing people to rise from their chairs._

_"i've been thinking, josh. long and hard and--i can't. we can't. i can't handle a long-distance relationship. but i can't handle tearing you from your dream school, either. so go, josh. go learn and live and... don't worry about me. don't call me, don't text me... because we're done."_

_and with that, simon turned around. and josh felt cemented to the ground. simon started out walking, and then he was jogging, and then josh was watching him push through the crowds, running away. running away from him, and them, and all they were. all their memories, all their promises, all their plans... and josh... he couldn't do anything. he wanted to run after simon. he wanted to yell for him. he wanted to be able to move. but he couldn't._

_"last call for flight 85 to dublin, ireland. all passengers please board your flight."_

_josh didn't feel like he was in control as he gathered his bags and turned around, heading for the plane. it felt like auto-pilot. every part of him said to chase after simon. fuck the flight and fuck the school. what good was this, any of this, if he didn't have simon? but, damn it, he's already paid for the flight. his parents already helped him pay for the school, and for books, and even chipped in some for living expenses. could he really waste all of that? he swallowed some sickness as he stepped into the queue for the flight. some part of him still wanted this school more than anything. he had wanted it long before he knew who simon was. and if simon could really do this to him--walk away from him, just like this--why shouldn't josh do the same?_

- 

josh felt sick as he rolled over onto his back. he knew now why he shouldn't have done the same thing. while he didn't entirely regret going to the school, he certainly did regret not fighting for simon. he did exactly as the lad said. he didn't call him, he didn't text him (save for a few times when he was drunk, but josh didn't entirely think that counted). 

sure, school was fun. he learned a lot, and he had tons of new experiences, and even made a few new friends, but none of it mattered when all he found himself wanting was simon. he would learn something, or do something, and his first reaction was to tell simon, or wish the lad was there. every night, josh found himself wishing simon was there. every morning, josh woke up to kiss simon good morning, and no one was there. 

it was, and is, absolute hell.

* * *

 

_ii._

_"yesterday, i thought i saw your shadow running 'round / it's funny how things never change in this old town"_

**_._ **

**_._ **

**_._ **

"c'mon, josh, at least pretend to be having fun," ethan payne begged, looking over and once-again seeing his friend seeming sad.

after josh got some sleep, and wasn't as fucked from jet-lag as he was initially, his friends and house mates decided to drag him out. 'the fresh air will be good for you', they said. 'we can go anywhere you want', they promised. vikram barn, one of the three friends josh is out with today, even offered to pay for josh, which said something. vik never paid for anyone, unless there was some sort of arrangement where he got something out of it. vik is the most careful with his money out of all the lads. 

"are you fuckin' serious, ethan?" tobit 'tobi' brown, spoke up, looking away from the road briefly to give ethan an astonished glance. "don't tell him to 'just pretend'. he's allowed to be sad."

"sure, but the whole point of this trip is to cheer him up init?" ethan argued, and josh sighed softly as he looked out his window.

this was a mistake, as, of course, they have to stop by  _homeslice pizza_ , of all places. josh wanted to turn away, until he caught a glimpse of what he swear looked like simon. his eyes widened, and josh pressed his face to the glass, trying to look into the windows of the pizzeria. he wouldn't go there without josh, would he? josh scanned the sidewalks around the building, not seeing simon anywhere. his chest ached as he turned away. _homeslice pizza_. what a name.

-

_"wait! wait, go back!" simon yelled out suddenly, laughing._

_"what? what's up?" josh couldn't exactly hit the brakes in the middle of traffic. he looked between the road and simon, confused._

_"i swear to god, we just passed a building that said ' homeslice pizza'" simon explained through laughter._

_even josh couldn't hold back his laughter. "no fuckin' way. right, we're turning around."  
_

_simon cheered in the passenger seat as josh found the nearest place to turn around. they headed down the street again, and sure enough, right at the stoplight is a building with a sign the reads 'homeslice pizza'. _

_"we have to go inside, josh," simon says, looking at the lad with excitement._

_"do we really?" josh asks, smiling in amusement._

_"yes! c'mon. i wanna get some pizza with my homeslice." simon couldn't say it without snickering. "and what better place to do that than at homeslice pizza?" _

_"fucking hell, simon." josh laughed as he found a place to park._

_as soon as they were out of the car, simon was quite literally dragging josh inside. although the name is ridiculous, neither of the lads could rip the piss from the inside. the upper half of walls looked to be made of brick, and had an old look to them that felt... comfortable. it went surprisingly well with the gray/blue drywall the lower half of the walls looked to be. and the dark wooden floors nicely finished the look. there's a nice combination of dark wooden tables and chairs, and light brown booths with a similar gray/blue colored cushions._

_"josh... josh, we actually have to eat here," simon stated, obviously in awe. he released josh's wrist and instead wove their fingers together. "we've gotta find a booth, c'mon."_

_so they chose a booth. a corner one, that had a blackboard right above it. and soon, they became regulars at the pizzeria, always sitting in their corner booth. they got to know the staff by name; became good friends with most of them. they went there for dates, to just hangout, to take a moment of their busy lives to sit and catch up. so many stories and plans were exchanged in that booth. despite it starting as a joke, and sort of being an underlying continuous joke, josh really did grow to love the place._

 -

josh jumped, startled to feel someone grab his arm and say his name. he turned quickly from the window, seeing a wide-eyed vik pulling his hand back.

"you alright, mate?" vik asked, his brows creased in concern.

"um... yeah, yeah, 'm'alright," he answered.

vik looked at josh for a moment, not buying it one bit. rather than pushing it, he turned away from josh and to ethan and tobi in the front seat. "the point of this outing was fresh air, yeah? why don't we go to a park or something and walk around?" vik suggested.

"that's a good idea, vik. and i've got a football in my trunk if we want to kick it around," tobi offered.

the idea of football gave ethan a reason to second the idea. and josh agreed with the idea half-heartily. he likes the idea of it, he guesses. nothing really sounds interesting anymore unless simon is with him, but seeing as that's no longer an option, josh figures he should take what he can get. maybe he should try to be excited about it. pretend. fake-it-til-you-make-it or whatever, right? 

this would surprisingly end up working out quite well. it took a little for josh to actually get into the football match they decided to do, but he eventually did. and it wasn't too long after that, that he found himself forgetting about simon. that is, until, they decided to take a break. and as they're sitting around, one of josh's old friends, joseph sugg, sees them and jogs over.

"josh! hey, mate, it's been a while," joe said, grinning as he walked over.

"joe! yeah, mate, it has." he grinned back as he gave him a wave.

"you look like you're handling simon and harry surprisingly well," joe says, his eyes softening. "i'm glad, bud. you're gonna find someone, ya' know?"

as soon as the names left his lips, tobi, ethan, and vik are yelling at joe, telling him to 'shut the fuck up' and 'fuck off'. and although josh can hear it, plain as day right beside him, it isn't really registering. none of it is, but that one part. simon and harry. simon and harry. harry? harry who? who the fuck is that? he can't remember anyone named harry.

"what do you mean?" josh finally asks, silencing the yelling.

"you know," joe says, laughing nervously. "simon and harry? they're dating. don't you know?"

"he didn't, you fuckwad," ethan spits, following it with an angry huff.

"oh..." joe sucks in a breath, then gives josh a few pats on the shoulder. "'m sorry. i thought they would've told you."

josh looks over at his friends, who look away from him. joe pats him again then bids him goodbye, knowing he's done enough damage. josh swallows hard as he watches him leave. simon has already moved on?

"josh... we were going to tell you. we just... wanted to give you time." tobi speaks up after an uncomfortably-long silence.

"we weren't going to keep it a secret forever," vik promises.

josh chuckles, though there is no humor in the situation. "it's funny. you guys should've known. even after all these years, things in this town never change. in a town this size, with people like this... there are no secrets."

silence falls over the group once more. and this time, no one speaks up. 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry i'm a fuck who takes forever to upload chapters! something happened, and recently things have been v stressful and hectic. but i haven't abandoned this i swear. here's chapter two / parts 3 and 4!
> 
> also, from now until the end, lyrics are gonna be a bit scattered. they won't always follow the order they're in in the song :)

_iii._

_"and i remember everything, from when we were children playing in this fairground ; wish i was there with you now"_

**_._ **

**_._ **

**_._ **

despite the pounding in his head, josh didn't turn the blaring music down at all. he'd finally found a volume that blasted all of his thoughts away, and he didn't care if it was destroying his hearing. it's been a day since he learned the news about simon and harry, and his chest hasn't stopped aching since. no matter what he does, or where he goes, everywhere and everything reminds him of simon. 

josh swallowed hard as he looked up from his feet. the lads were starting to irritate him, constantly wanting to know if he was okay (he was obviously the farthest he possibly could be) and what they could do to help (absolutely nothing, if josh is honest with them), so he decided to go for a walk with some music. he didn't have any real destination in mind. he just wanted to walk. he'd go wherever his feet took him.

of course, they took him to one of the last places he probably needed to be. the fairgrounds.

a sad smile crossed josh's face as he walked through the gates, entering the empty space. he remembered everything that had happened in this area. there weren't many memories here, but the ones he had were interesting enough to hold onto. because, of course, they included simon.

-

_"aw, josh, look at that bear!" simon squeezed josh's hand as he stopped in front of a game, pointing at one of the many stuffed prizes hanging around the top of the tent._

_"oi, it's massive." josh's eyes widened a bit at the giant sand-colored bear. it had to be as tall as his waist._

_"i know something else that's massive," simon replied, smirking at his boyfriend suggestively._

_"oiii. listen." josh burst out in laughter, shoving simon playfully._

_the fair is back in town, and of course, josh had to take simon on a cheeky fair date. they've been together about a month now, and they want to do all the cheesy, cliche couple things. that includes a date to fair. and obviously, that has to include one of them winning a prize for the other. would it really even be a fair date without that?_

_"i'll win you the bear, babe," josh stated, changing the subject._

_"oh my gosh, yes, please!" simon grinned, releasing josh's hand and following him to the front of the booth._

_it was a basketball booth, which was discouraging, to say the least. josh sucked ass at basketball. but for simon, he would try his hardest. so he handed over the amount of tickets required and gave it a go. embarrassingly enough, he didn't score any baskets. but josh is stubborn and persistent and wants simon to have the bear, so he tries over and over. and after four tries, he manages to win a small stuffed lizard._

_"love, that's enough," simon says through giggles, grabbing josh's arm and dragging him away._

_"but i haven't won you the bear."_

_"you got me this little guy." simon intertwines one hand with josh's, and uses the other to take the lizard. "and i love him. he's even better than the bear. i can take him everywhere."_

_"you're just saying that to make me feel better, aren't you?" josh accuses, looking at simon skeptically._

_"i would never. i genuinely love it. thank you, sweetie." simon pecks josh on the cheek, and both boys break out in grins._

-

josh smiled sadly, though the ache in his chest intensified. he wondered if simon still had that lizard. the last josh knew, he did, but he wouldn't be surprised if simon had thrown it out since then. it seems a lot of things have changed. 

he kicked at the little rocks on the ground as he walked. he wished he could go back to that day. more than anything, josh wished he could be back there with simon again. 

he paused at one of the few benches scattered around the grounds. after a moment of debate, josh sat and pulled his phone out of his hoodie. ever since he found out about simon and harry, josh has wanted to talk to simon. he just wants to talk. he wants to know how simon is doing. who is this harry guy? is he nice? does he make simon happy? josh unlocked his phone and opened his messages, his eyes going right to simon. but would simon even answer him? after all this time?

josh guesses there's only one way to find out.

 

 

_**josh —** hey, simon  **(read 18:30)**_

_**simon —** so now that you're back in town you care enough to message me?  **(read 18:33)**_

_**josh —** can we meet up? please? i'd really like to talk  **(read 18:34)**_

__

josh figured he shouldn't be so surprised at the reaction he received. maybe he was more surprised he received one at all. only a small part of him was hopeful simon would respond at all. now he's waiting for simon's response to josh's request. as the minutes go by, and there's no sign of an answer, josh feels his pounding heart drop. this is how their small interaction will end? being left on read?

maybe that's what josh deserved.

 

_**simon —** let me think about it. i'll tell you when i decide on an answer  **(read 18:39)**_

 

josh couldn't stop himself from smiling. this town doesn't change, and neither do the people. as long as simon hasn't broken that, then him needing to 'think about it', means he wants to say yes, but he doesn't want to right away. he wants to try to convince himself to say 'no'. but most likely, he won't. that's how simon always was. hopefully, it's how he still is.

* * *

 

_iv._

_"i saw that you moved on with someone new ; in the pub that we met, he's got his arms around you / and i wanna tell you everything, the words i never got to say the first time around"_

**_._ **

**_._ **

**_._ **

 

 "do you really think alcohol is a good idea?" vik asks, still not convinced.

it's been four days now since josh found out about simon—three since he texted him—and though the texts cheered him up a slight bit, it didn't help very much. it still hurt like hell. and even when he tried to hide it, his housemates all saw right through him. they knew it was fucking him up, and they couldn't stand to just sit by and watch. they wanted to help him move on, or at least feel better.

ethan thought alcohol could do the trick.

"yeah, mate! why wouldn't it?" before vik can answer, ethan is looking away from vik and over at josh. "you want to do this, right?"

josh nodded. for once, one of their suggestions actually sounded appealing. they've been trying desperately to get him out of the house, and everything up until this point seemed utterly stupid and pointless. but going out for a drink with the lads, josh thought that could be fun. he's always been a 'happy' drunk. get enough alcohol in him and josh won't feel anything bad until the hangover hits him. and that's exactly what he needs right now.

"i guess if josh wants to do it..." vik trailed off with a slight smile, turning back around.

it didn't take much longer for tobi (the designated driver for this excursion) to pull into a pub. one that josh of course recognized, but also didn't. he knew the name, and the outside. he'd pass by it many times. but he couldn't remember what the inside looked like. him and the lads always went to the same pub before, and it wasn't this one. maybe they decided they should switch it up. josh wouldn't argue with that. 

the only thing that sucked was the memories attached to this particular pub, which ethan, tobi, and vik must have forgotten. josh just hoped enough alcohol would make him forget, too, just for an afternoon.

josh quietly follows his friends into the pub. it's not crowded, necessarily, but it's more on the full side than it is empty. a little more than half the booths are full. ethan led the way to one of the empty booths in the back of the pub. ethan and josh sat on one side. vik slid into the other side, and tobi stood beside the table. 

"i'll get everyone's drinks," he offered.

"ay, thanks, mate," josh replied, smiling up at him.

"no problem, josh." tobi gave him a friendly pat on the shoulder. 

ethan and vik both started out easy, while josh asked for the strongest drink they have. tobi and vik grew concerned at that, while ethan just laughed and patted him on the back, calling him a 'mad man'. josh didn't say much, just chuckled along with ethan and gave a shrug to vik when they locked eyes. josh looked around the pub, taking in the decor. how long has it been since he's been here? three years. it's been three years. 

tobi returns a few moments later, setting everyone's drinks down in front of them. he then sits beside vik, joining in on random conversation that starts up. josh throws in a sentence here, an opinion there. he doesn't get too involved. during a particularly heated discussion, though, that josh does immerse himself in, he's torn out of it moments later. he doesn't know why he suddenly looked over at the booth. it was four down from josh's in the row of booths across from his. and in it sat two familiar faces, and one new one, though he bet he knew the name.

olajide "jj" olatunji sat with his back towards josh's table. but he knew it had to be jj. because on the other side of the booth, facing josh, is simon, and jj is simon's best friend. who else would simon go out drinking with? other than the blond prick sat beside simon. he's got him arm around simon's shoulder, holding him close to his chest. he must be harry. 

josh didn't have any right to be upset, but he fucking was. this was the pub josh and simon first met in, three years ago. tobi and simon had met on a football field, tobi filming a video for youtube and simon just trying to practice. they became friends, and soon tobi introduced simon to ethan, vik, and josh, in this very pub. 

josh felt his throat tighten. he hasn't had enough to drink yet to not feel anything bad. he wants to run over to simon and yell at him. he wants to tell him everything he never got to say at the airport that day. everything he was always too scared to say, when he still had the chance to say it. he wants to rip simon from harry's arms, and wrap his own arms around him, and never, ever, let go. 

"oh, fuck." 

tobi is the first one to notice josh staring off. and when he follows his eyes and spots simon, he knows they fucked up. tobi would've thought simon would be at the other pub, though. that's the one they all used to always go to together. why is simon here, at this one?

"guys, we gotta go," tobi says, turning back around to vik and ethan.

"oi, why? we haven't even finished our first drink," ethan complains.

"fucking simon is here," tobi hisses, and both their eyes widen.

"you're fucking joking. the prick, why is he here?" ethan shakes his head as he takes a last gulp of his drink.

"c'mon, josh, we're leaving." tobi doesn't bother answering ethan. instead, he stands and goes over to josh, grabbing his arm. 

"look away from him, josh," vik instructs, casting his own glance at the blond. "forget him, let's go."

but josh can't look away. because, as vik and tobi are dragging him away (ethan is going to pay for the drinks), simon takes notice of them. more specifically, of josh. they lock eyes as josh reaches the exit, and josh is frozen. he wants to fight against vik and tobi to let him go. he wants to run to simon. but he lets them drag him out, onto the sidewalk, and towards the car. tobi sits next to him in the back, trying to distract him. but the sudden buzz of josh's phone proves more distracting, and he pulls it out of his trouser pocket, looking at the lit up screen. it's text message.

_**simon —** we should talk  **(read 16:14)**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am the Worst™  
> i'm sorry guys, things have been rlly hard and i am tired but (finally) here's chapter 3 / parts 5 and 6 x  
> i'm so sorry it's taking so long to finish this :/

_ v. _

_"you still make me nervous when you walk in the room / them butterflies, they come alive, when i'm next to you"_

_**.**  
_

_**.** _

_**.** _

josh moved the pizza slice around on his plate, favoring to chew on the inside of his cheek, rather than the food. he's had it sat in front of him for fifteen minutes, but he hasn't so much as picked it up once. josh's stomach is tied in knots. he has no appetite at all. he looked away from the door and down at his phone, pushing down on the home-screen button, bringing the phone to life. 16:25. five more minutes. well, knowing simon, probably ten. if he's lucky.

after josh and simon's silent encounter at the bar four days ago, the lads agreed to meet up at _homeslice pizza_ at the end of the week to talk. about what, josh isn't sure yet. he has so many things swirling around his head and gathering in his throat; he doesn't know what he'll say. after six months, what is the first thing you say to the man who broke your heart? 

minutes seemed to go by in seconds. as josh found himself getting lost in his head, time flew by around him quickly. he looked up after what he thought was only moment, feeling his breath catch in his throat when simon walks through the door. as simon scans the familiar room, his eyes suddenly meet josh's, the older lad looks away. josh looked down at his food as he wipes his suddenly sweaty hands on his jeans. his heart is in his throat, racing, as he's flooded with nerves. it reminds him of when he first started hanging out with simon, how shy and nervous he would get. after all this time, he's still getting nervous because of simon. 

simon cleared his throat as he slid into the booth, the seat across from josh. he grabbed a menu, even though simon remembered most of the items. he used to spend so much of his time here, it would've been hard to not have it memorized. josh distracted himself with his pizza, deciding to finally grab it and nibble at the end. josh is afraid that the food might not stay down if he eats too much. his stomach is full of butterflies, which is a weird-ass feeling that he isn't sure he appreciates. he hasn't felt like this in so long. what is simon doing to him?

"i see that you got your usual." simon is the first to speak up, taking josh by surprise. he sets the pizza down and cracked a small smile, nodding.

"yeah. do you know what you're getting?" 

simon shrugged. "'m not sure. did they change the recipe or something? normally you'd have cleaned your plate in, like, two minutes," simon joked, gesturing to the slice.

josh found himself at a loss for words. he looked between the slice and simon, having a hard time processing what was happening. how is simon so... natural? it's like they never broke up. it's like josh never went away for six months. it's like simon never found someone new. the jokes, the casual conversation... is he not flustered, like josh is? he doesn't seem so. 

"i, um... i- i don't think so. i'm just... not that hungry, i guess." josh stumbled for words, not looking at simon.

simon frowned slightly at that and set his menu down. he chewed on his bottom lip, very aware of the way his leg is bouncing beneath the table. he hadn't wanted this to be weird. his heart hasn't stopped racing since he left the house to come meet josh here, and his hands have been sweating since he pulled into the parking lot. he's nervous. he's anxious. he's... a mess, to say the least. being this close to josh again... seeing josh again... 

but he doesn't like this. simon doesn't like all these feelings. he can feel himself falling for josh all over again. it's like he's meeting him for the first time again. and, in a way, maybe he is. but he didn't want it to be like this. simon just wanted this to be a casual get-together. he wanted to catch up with josh on how life has been and talk about things, like they used to in this booth so long ago. 

maybe it was unfair of him to want that. after all this time, after how their last encounter six months ago went... after what he did... he can't expect josh to act 'normally'.

"i'm glad you agreed to meet me," simon admits, finally accepting that this was going to be serious-conversation-time.

"i'm surprised you invited me," josh says honestly, looking at him again. "of course i'd accept."

"so... how was it? ireland, i mean. was it everything you hoped it would be?" 

josh noticeably relaxed at the change of topic, sitting up a bit straighter as he excitedly told simon all about it. he told him everything. he told him about the campus, about the classes, about his professors. he told him about his dorm, and his room mates, and memorable stories. and simon listened to every word intently. he couldn't stop himself from smiling as he watched the way josh's eyes would light up at certain things. he laughed along with josh when he would recall something funny, even if simon himself didn't find it all that humorous. 

simon felt his nerves melting away a bit, being replaced with... content. and josh found himself feeling the same way. as he dove back into memories, finally telling simon all the things he had wanted to, he found his nerves dwindling. his heart slowed its pace, and he wasn't wiping his hands on his pants as much. simon stared at him, fully listening to what josh had to say, and josh loved it. as simon started piping in with comments here and there, josh found himself feeling strangely comfortable.

"i'm glad you got to experience that, josh. i really am," simon stated genuinely.

"i am, too." josh couldn't help but feel a bit conflicted. he really did enjoy his time there, but... was it worth losing his relationship? he shifted a bit, feeling the familiar ache in his chest at the reminder of what had happened. "so, um..." josh wanted to move the attention to simon, and his new relationship, but he wasn't exactly sure how to bring it up.

"yeah...?" simon prompted. josh obviously wanted to say something, but he seemed to be struggling.

"just... how have you been? what've you been up to?"

"ah..." now it was simon's turn to shift in his seat. he knew the focus would fall on him at some point. "yeah, um... 've been good." he pulled the menu back in front of him. maybe he should actually order something while he's here.

"i... saw you made a friend- at the bar," josh spoke up, wanting to see how simon would talk about his boyfriend.

"oh, yeah. his name is harry," simon explained, hesitant to tell josh that harry is more than a friend. then again, josh did see harry's arm around his shoulder at the bar. he has to know, doesn't he?

josh and simon shared a quiet look, which josh broke after a moment. he decided, suddenly, that he doesn't want to play these games anymore. if there's anything that he's learned, it's that he needs to say what he wants to say right away. he can't wait around, because, well... he might not get another chance to say these things. things can change so suddenly, so unexpectedly... 

"does he make you happy?" josh asked seriously, looking at simon.

"...what?" the question caught simon off guard. he hadn't been expecting it.

"harry. i know you two are together. does he make you happy?"

simon... hesitated. why did he hesitate? he should've said yes, without any thought. because, yeah, harry made him happy. he made him smile and laugh. but... he didn't make him feel the way josh made simon feel. and, as simon sat in front of josh, talking with him again, he realized harry didn't make him  _as_ happy. he knew that his silence was an answer in itself, so he finally met josh's eyes, trying to sound as confident as he can.

"yes."

josh noticed how long it took simon to answer. although he sounded confident enough, he didn't seem very confident. his voice said 'yes', but his face seemed unsure. seeing as he was saying things as he thought them- no more holding back, he voiced his doubts.

"are you sure? you don't have to lie to me. you don't have to... protect my feelings. i'm a big boy. i genuinely want to know if he makes you happy."

simon shifted in his seat again, simply shooting josh a smile and picking up his menu once more. 

if anyone had asked simon if harry made him happy last week, he would've said yes, without a doubt. but now that josh is back... in front of him... he doesn't know anymore. does harry make him happy because of who he is, or because he was there, and josh wasn't? 

simon doesn't know anymore.

* * *

 

 

_vi._

_"and i know that it's wrong that i can't move on, but there's something about you"_

**_._ **

**_._ **

**_._ **

 

 

it's been four weeks since simon and josh sat down for their pizza-reunion, and things have slowly been going back to the way they were before josh left. which is either good or bad, depending on how you look at it. it was weird at first, of course. but slowly they began texting again, randomly throughout the day, like they used to, and they started meeting up at  _homeslice_ pizza for hang-outs again. when they got past the initial weirdness, and got comfortable with each other again, things began falling back to the way they were before. if josh really pretends, it's like things never changed. he and simon have been spending a lot of time together again. they spent the entire day together yesterday.

today, however, he's spending the day with harry, so josh is getting together with joe and another good friend, caspar lee, for some lunch.

"it's been a while, mate, how have you been?" caspar asked as he sipped on his soda. 

caspar moved to london after graduation, deciding to attend university there. he came home during breaks, whenever he could, to visit family and catch up with his friends. 

josh shot him a smile and nodded. "yeah, mate, it has. i've been good, actually!"

"you seem a lot happier," joe cut in, looking at josh intently.

"was he not happy before?" caspar asked, confused.

"things are a lot better now," josh answered, before joe could say anything.

"yeah. i've noticed you and simon hanging around a lot. are you guys...?" joe trailed off, raising an eyebrow at josh.

josh cleared his throat and looked down at the menu in his hands. joe didn't finish the question, but he knows what he's asking. he's lost track of the amount of times he's been asked that question. vik, tobi, and ethan have all been asking him ever since he and simon have gotten friendly again. jj even pulled him aside once and asked what was going on. old friends of theirs, acquaintances around town, everyone wants to know if josh and simon are back together.

it kills josh that he has to say no.

"we're just friends," he says, his mood noticeably going down a notch.

"you can't be 'just friends' with someone you were once in love with," caspar spoke up, and josh glared at him over the menu.

"show me where i asked for your opinion, mate," josh replied sharply.

"oiiii. okay, guys," joe spoke up. "sorry if i struck a nerve there, josh. let's just talk about something else, yeah?"

"yeah," josh agrees quietly, liking the idea of that.

all throughout lunch, though josh participates in conversation, and tries not to think too much, he can't help it. he can't stop thinking about how good he and simon still are together. even after all this time. even after what they went through. they still click so well... so well, in fact, people think they're together again. that has to mean something, doesn't it? it can't just not mean something.

josh knows it's wrong. simon has a boyfriend, and it... it isn't josh. he shouldn't want a taken man. he should move on. but there's just... there's something about simon. he's absolutely, completely, in love with him. and you can't just get over someone you're in love with. unfortunately, josh is learning that the hard way. 

maybe all he needs is time.

hopefully, all he needs is time.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's finally done!! after frickin Forever, i have finished Back To You!!

_ vii. _

_"over and over, the only truth, everything comes back to you"_

_._

_._

_._

 

 **3:08am**. 

josh's eyes burned as he read the time at the top of his brightly-lit phone screen. he cast his sore eyes downwards, taking in the reason for him being woken up at such an ungodly time. his phone is ringing, the name  _simon_ showing up as the source of the ringing. josh sat up a bit further, furrowing his brows as he yanked his phone free from the charging cord and accepted the call, bringing the phone to his ear. he hasn't had a call from simon in forever. before josh left, simon would call him at random times in the night on a regular basis. usually just to chat. sometimes for other, more serious reasons. josh wanted to hope this was going to be a casual conversation, but he had a bad feeling.

"simon?" he asked, his voice deep and a bit rough with sleep.

"hey," simon answered, and right away josh knew something was wrong.

he sat up straight, attempting to rub the sleep out of his eyes with his free hand. simon didn't have his usual happy-tone. he'd only said one word, but josh could hear the scratchiness in his voice. he sounded upset. simon sounded like... he had been crying.

"what's up?" josh asked softly, concerned.

"you sound like you just woke up," simon stated, ignoring josh's question. the more he talked, the more josh knew. simon's definitely been crying. "did i wake you? i forgot, you probably don't stay up until the early hours of the morning anymore. you've developed an actual sleep schedule, haven't you?"

josh knew what he was doing. simon had a hard time talking about things that were bothering him. simon was trying to keep the mood light until he figured out how to say what he had called to say. and while josh didn't particularly want to chat about whatever when he knew something was wrong, he didn't want to push simon, either. that wouldn't get him very far.

"yeah, but it's fine. what's going on?" he asked, trying to gently push the topic. 

simon sighed softly, growing quiet for a moment. "can you... i know it's late- well, early, i guess- but, can you come over? jide isn't here, a few of his musical buddies dragged him out to a club last night." 

josh pushed his duvet back, immediately throwing his legs over the side of the bed. "of course. i'll leave right now. be there soon."

"thanks. i'll talk to you then, yeah?" 

"yeah, talk to you then."

josh waited for simon to hang up, and when he did, he locked his phone, finding the nearest shirt and pulling it over his head. he tugged on a pair of sweatpants and some socks and grabbed his keys off his nightstand, his mind racing. what could be so bad that simon is asking him to come over? josh can't help but remember the things simon used to call him over for while they were dating. if it's any of those things, that's more harry's position, init? then again, josh doesn't know how long they've been dating. it took a while for simon to really start opening up to him. maybe he isn't ready to do that with harry.

regardless, josh is down the stairs and out the front door quickly, climbing into his car and bringing it to life. it was as he was buckling up that it hit him. he just jumped out of bed, at three in morning, to go to simon, without even having a proper reason. he's doing it solely because simon asked. josh kind of laughed at himself as he pulled out of the driveway. after so long, after everything, he'll still do anything for simon.

he can't help it, really. josh has been this way ever since he met the lad. 

**. . .**

when josh arrived at simon and jj's house, he hesitated. should he knock? try to walk right in? maybe he should just text simon and let him know he's here. he pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket and unlocked it, opening his messages with simon once again. 

 

_**josh —** hey, i'm here  **(read 3:29)**_

_**simon —** :)  **(read 3:29)**_

_**simon —** let yourself in, i left the door unlocked for you  **(3:30)**_

 

the corner's of josh's lips curved upward a bit at the smiley emoticon, though they fell down soon enough as he locked his phone and returned it to his pocket. it contradicted the way his voice sounded on the phone. this is about to be a serious conversation, or a gloomy one, at least, josh is sure of it. the smiley must still be simon trying to lighten the mood that he himself is creating.

josh rolled his eyes at himself and his thinking as he did what he was told and let himself in. he opened the door slowly, carefully stepping inside, calling out to simon as he did so. he heard simon call him into the lounge as josh pushed the door shut and locked it. he kicked his shoes off, nostalgia hitting him in the face as he walked through the house. the place was like a second home to him. though the layout is still the same, he took notice of the luxurious furniture and expensive-looking decorations. it definitely wasn't like this before. jj must have really blown up in the music industry while he was away to be making enough money to afford things like this.

once he reached the lounge, josh gave a few gentle knocks on the wall as he peered inside, seeing simon curled up in the corner of a very fancy-looking 'L' shaped sectional sofa. the knocks drew simon's attention, causing him to look away from the telly and at josh. josh could see the redness around simon's eyes from where he stood, and it made him widen his own eyes as he quickly crossed the lounge and sat beside the lad, confusion and concern washing over him.

"simon, what's wrong?" josh asked, the worry obvious in his tone.

simon only looked at him for a moment, before he buried his face in the pillow he held close to him. he took a few deep breaths, tightening his grip on the pillow as he did so. when he finally rose his face again, he didn't look at josh. he looked back over at the telly, as josh continued to look intently at him. simon could see his stare from his peripheral vision, feel it as well, and it wasn't helping his whirlwind of emotions.

"i... i'm sure you've gotten the questions, as well. 'are you and josh back together?' 'josh is back in town, did you two get back together?' 'you and josh are so cute, i'm happy to see you together again'." simon paused, turning to look from the blank screen and at josh, who nodded. 

"yeah, i have. got it from joe the other day, as a matter of fact," josh spoke, recalling his brief conversation with the lad during lunch.

"yeah. well... i've been getting them a lot, lately. and... so has harry." simon turned back to the telly.

the look that washed over simon's face before he turned made josh's heart drop. out of all the possibilities that flooded his mind, all the guesses on what could be wrong, josh hadn't even entertained the idea of something happening between him and harry. but it made sense, really. if harry was getting these questions and comments... having josh come back, and he and simon being friendly again already could've been upsetting in itself. to have all these questions and comments swirling around had to only make it worse. 

"simon..." josh started, but simon didn't wait to hear what he had to say.

"harry... he didn't like the questions. he didn't like us hanging out so much, because he knew our past. of course, in a town like this, everyone knows everyone's story, ya' know? and we were no exception. so when you returned, and we started hanging out again... we fought a lot about it. then the questions started, and the comments, and... harry said..." simon paused, swallowing hard and turning away from the screen once more, looking right at josh. "he said that if we continued to be friends, that he and i couldn't happen. and, well... i don't want to be with someone who tries to control who i'm friends with. so... harry and i are... no more," simon finally stated.

josh felt a mixture of emotions bubble up inside him. sadness, for simon, who looked quite broken up over it. anger, at harry, for trying to make simon choose between him or josh. and... a little bit of selfish happiness. he knew it was fucked up, that he shouldn't be happy simon broke up with his boyfriend, but he couldn't help it. he didn't voice or express this happiness in any way, knowing he needed to focus on simon and his hurt right now.

"i'm sorry, mate. i understand where he was coming from, but he shouldn't have tried to control you like that. you made the right choice in standing up for yourself," josh assured him.

simon gave a small shrug, loosening his grip on the pillow slightly. "i hope so," was all he said, as he looked away from josh and at the floor.

simon was conflicted, to say the least. he also understood harry's feelings and not wanting him and josh to be friends anymore. simon felt like harry was making him choose between him and josh, though, and, well... when it came down to it, no one compared to josh. which was fucked, considering  _harry_  was his boyfriend at the time, but simon couldn't fight it. ever since josh came back, and they had started talking again, he knew he and harry were going to come to an end. whether harry or simon did it hadn't been known to him, but he knew he couldn't date harry when he was feeling things for josh again.

"so... what now?" josh asked quietly, wanting to break the brief silence that fallen over them.

simon had thought about this himself. after harry walked out of the front door, slamming it shut behind him, leaving simon in tears, he wondered. it was hard to lose harry, even if he didn't mean as much to simon as josh did. simon still spent so much time with harry, and deep down, he did have feelings for the lad. so even after the many long hours of thought simon put into it, he really didn't know. he didn't know what he wanted to do now. 

"i... i'm not sure," simon admitted, his voice just as quiet as josh's. 

simon wanted to tell josh all the feelings he's had resurfacing. that josh was the reason simon had let his and harry's relationship end so easily. simon had tried to imagine a life without josh again. he had tried to consider choosing harry, and cutting josh out once again. but he couldn't do it. because, even while josh had been all the way in ireland, simon never stopped thinking about him. he never stopped comparing harry to josh. he had tried to be fine, but he wasn't entirely. not without josh.

"that's okay," josh replied, and he and simon locked eyes. "you don't have to know right now." he scooted a bit closer to simon, and he thought about touching him, but decided against it. "things must be hard right now. and that's okay. i just want you to know that i'm here for you, si. and i'm not going anywhere."

josh was only supposed to be back for the break. he was supposed to go back to ireland for his second year, but honestly, fuck that. josh had experienced enough of his dream uni in ireland. he'd had enough learning and adventure and time away from everyone. now that he was back here, back with simon... there was no way he could bring himself to go back. he would continue uni here. josh isn't going anywhere, not again. 

"thank you, josh," simon responded sincerely. he knew josh meant it. he wasn't sure if he meant he wasn't going anywhere for the night, or for the summer, or ever. but, to be perfectly honest, simon didn't care in that moment. what mattered is that josh is here, right now, and he can count on him to stay there. if even for the night, it brings simon comfort all the same. 

"of course, si." 

josh finally put a hand on simon's arm, which simon looked at for a moment, before looking at josh. josh smiled at him, hoping it seemed reassuring and supportive. simon smiled back, and finally, josh really felt okay.

all of the time he spent in ireland telling himself he was fine without simon was a lie. all of the desperate excuses and pathetic reasons were lies. even within the past nearly-two months, everything josh had told himself in an attempt to feel any sort of okay at all was a lie. it didn't matter who he was with, or where he was. if simon wasn't there, something would be missing. finally, he could see that. he saw all of the lies he had filled his head with and he realized that the only truth was simon. that no matter what, it all came back to him.

it didn't matter to him if simon needed time. if he didn't want to get together again right away, or even ever again. sitting here with simon, exchanging smiles and feeling the smooth skin of his arm under his hand... it was all josh needed. it was enough.

simon was enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and that's it!! this was prty heckin long, i know. but seeing as it's the end, i figured it was justified haha. i hope you guys enjoyed! :)


End file.
